Scorpions humor - rated pg?

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   JOKES ADDED AS OF THURSDAY, AUGUST 6, 2014


Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the
department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'


Beatrice's nephew was 4 when she was pregnant with her first kid. She allowed him to place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick.

His little face scrunched and said, "How does the baby get out of there?"

She wanted to keep it simple so she said, "The doctor will help."

His eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed, "You've got a doctor in there, too?"


Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white."


As politician Hillary Clinton running hard for office toured the country on a whirlwind campaign that took her from Portland, Maine, to Portland, Oregon, and from Anchorage to Miami -- as well as to every backwoods hamlet and village between the larger centers.

And like other office-seekers, Hillary always took her husband Bill, along, especially to the more remote locations.

"But it proved of little use," she said to a friend, "he always found his way back."


New Bumper Stickers

 “Go ahead and take away my civil liberties, I wasn’t using them anyway.”

*Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!

*This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.

*This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet..

*Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!

*Faster than a speeding ticket!

*Adults are just kids with money.

*T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.

*You are right where you belong, behind me!

*YES this is my truck, NO I won't help you move!

*Keep honking, I am reloading!

*Do unto others before they do unto you.

*Was today really necessary?

*The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.

*In theory, everything works.

*Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

*Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION.

*Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

*Too many freaks, not enough circuses!

*A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

*The more I learn, the less I understand.


Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients. When she ran out of gas, as luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
 

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm converting to Catholic.”


You Are A Bad Cook If ....

- The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.

- Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.

- You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat- and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.

- The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.

- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.

- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

- Your microwave display reads "TILT!"

- Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.

- You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.

- You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

- The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire

- Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

- You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!

- Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.

- Your family prays AFTER they eat!


 


XXX

We HAVE created a SECOND HUMOR PAGE with more bawdy (ADULT) humor;
if you are offended,
don't visit this page.
 

HERE IS THE ENTRANCE TO THE BAWDY HUMOR PAGE:

BAWDY HUMOR   ENTRANCE

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